For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."