My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.