I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.