How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.