I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.