My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Nothing really mattress.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you