I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Nothing really mattress.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
I couldn't chair less!
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet