What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
Nothing really mattress.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.