Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Nothing really mattress.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.