I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”