I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.