When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.