Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.