What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?