Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!