What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.