Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.