What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.