My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.