I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."