I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.