My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.