Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime