My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."