What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.