My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?