We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law