My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.