What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".