I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
The sun is just a big space heater.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"