I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.