I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
The sun is just a big space heater.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.