My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.