What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.