Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.