Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.