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Everything Jokes

Gnome Puns
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Orange Puns
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Everything is Bigger in Texas
A blind man is unafraid to travel and experience new things around the world. Eventually, his travels take him to Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is huge!” “EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!” says the bellhop cheerfully. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are enormous!” The bartender disclaims: “EVERYTHING is big in Texas!” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and the poor guy falls right in. The few swimmers there were shocked when a man suddenly popped his head up from under the water flailing his arms and screaming, “Don’t flush, DON'T FLUSH!!!!!”
Funny Aging Quotes
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Nuts Puns
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
A Frog Outta Luck
There's a frog who has a unique kink: He falls in love with human girls. Of course, no human girl will touch him. Desperate, he goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."  The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"  "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
Literary Pick Up Lines
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
Friendship Quotes
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
Food Quotes
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Space Pick Up Lines
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
Onion Puns
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.