What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
I love you berry much.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Snow on and snow forth.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
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