My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
I really caribou-t you.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Hello there, how do you brew?
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
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