I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Can I be one of the men in your box?
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
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