Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
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