What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Give me your number so I can make the call.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
How hot does your gas oven get?
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
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