How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
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