People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
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