This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
Nothing really mattress.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
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