The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
Paddy like a rockstar.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
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