Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
"No body won the skeleton race."
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Sip, sip, horray!
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
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