What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
Every piece of you is sweet.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
You really flipturn me on.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Do you like free samples?
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
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