Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.

What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.

Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings

A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.

There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.

Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.

Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.

Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?

What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.

People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.

Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.

A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.

Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.

"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West

- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.

I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”

What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.

I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.

Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.

The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.

“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting

What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!

Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.

What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”

Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.

Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.

What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.

"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara

What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.

What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.

Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.

"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld

Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.

Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.

I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?

My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.

If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.

Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”