I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
Go to BabaMail
