To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.

Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.

Knock Knock!

Who is there?

Water.

Water who?

Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?

Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.

So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.

For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."

Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan

“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn

What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.

What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!

[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein

“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno

SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.

I’ll be there in a pinch.

Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.

What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.

What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!

How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.

"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg

Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest

Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.

I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”

"A change of latitude would help my attitude."

In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!

When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.

Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!

Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.

Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.

Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.

What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.

When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!

You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.

Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.

“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!