Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
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