Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
The calm before the score
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
You’re my soul Santa.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
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