I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
To get to the other tide.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
You remind me of my last biking accident. Because I am going head over heels for you.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
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