What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
Snow thank you.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
I would give anything to be your personal item.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
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