How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
You're just my cup of tea!
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
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