Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.

Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.

What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.

We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!

My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.

I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.

"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet

What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.

The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.

Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.

If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.

Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.

" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman

Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.

It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.

How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”

“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson

“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin

How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!

I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.

The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.

This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!

Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.

What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.

What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers

I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.

Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.

“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman

What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.

Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.

I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.

What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker

Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.

I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to

I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.

The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.

What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.

How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!

Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!