Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
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