Who needs luck? I have charm.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Hold on for deer life.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
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