I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
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