My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
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