“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
I wood never leaf you.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
You met all of my koala-fications
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Go to BabaMail
