Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
"Bone to be wild."
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
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