Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
What sound does it make when an ogre eats a witch for breakfast?
Snap cackle n' pop
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
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