What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
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