What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
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