Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.

This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened to me.

The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.

My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.

Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.

The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.

Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.

Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!

Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.

I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.

If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.

What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy

What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”

How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.

Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.

Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker

My feelings for you have grown exponentially.

It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.

Nice pumpkins!

Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?

What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.

I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business

Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!

My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!

What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.

What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.

Yeah but what about the ears?

You never heard of mountaineers?

She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”

My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."

What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.

“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown

Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.

What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.

Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.

Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.

"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis

Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key

Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.