What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?
"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Fir sure.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
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