Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
You're one in a melon.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
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