"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Drink happy thoughts.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
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