What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
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