Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
One more thyme.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
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