Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
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