What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
New electric trains will run on conductors.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
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